A look into my heart

Brazil feels like a lifetime ago.  

So many things God is speaking to my heart - life, love, living...the richness of it, the subtleties of the wefts and the weaves, the joy and the pain - all wrapped up in one package.  You can't have the joy without the pain, the highs mean nothing without the lows.  The depths of Joy dance alongside the depths of despair.  The high of accomplishment walks hand-in-hand with the lows of disappointment.  It's beautiful and it's tragic.  It's life in all it's glory, the fullness of measure, poured out.

The Glory of God is Man, Fully Alive

What does that mean, to be fully alive?  This is what The Lord has been speaking to me about.  Thriving, not surviving.  I can see up close and personal how fear keeps us from living life to the fullest...yet we Christians ought to be the ones leading the way in this.  Jesus came so that we might have LIFE, and to have it ABUNDANTLY.  How's that working for us?  Instead of grabbing hold of this promise, we've couched ourselves in with rules and restrictions in an effort to guard ourselves from the pain and suffering we see around us, that we've experienced in our own lives.  We think that if we can just 'do' things right (performance much!?!??!!!), we will inoculate ourselves from the pain.  It's a knee-jerk reaction - note that it's not a response, but a reaction - wherein we try to protect ourselves from the world.  Hold on a minute here...that's not our job, is it?  GOD is our protector.  Yes, we must use wisdom, but we were never intended to be our own savior.  I assert that we bring about more pain when we try to do life on our own, try to protect ourselves in our own strength.  It's ugly.

We all just need to RELAX a little.  Over the last several months, this has been God's word to me - RELAX!  It makes me think of a fussy, agitated baby; fighting and straining until finally it gives in to its mothers gentle voice, the flow of the rocking chair, her soft touch...and finally, the baby lays back into its mothers' arms and RELAXES.  How many of us are fussing and straining against the Lord's arms?

And its not only in this area of love, romance, and relationships that we are living half alive.  It's in every area.  We are polite, never engaging deeply in peoples lives because we don't want to offend or cause discomfort.  We watch from a distance, but refuse to get up close.  We stay locked up in our houses, safe from the world.  Looking outside through the lens of our social media screens.  When did digital relationships replace face-to-face ones?  When did words coming in on a glowing screen become more interesting and valuable than words coming from the mouth of the person in front of you?  When did spending time sitting next to one another looking at individual screens become more exciting than looking at one another?  And we wonder why we feel alone, isolated, unfulfilled.  And yet I see the ones who try to stand against the tide - how lonely it is for them.  Lord, open our eyes!  We are being dumbed down, made numb.  This is NOT the abundant life you promised us!  Why are we so easily fooled?  So easily drugged?  So easily satisfied with so little?

Oh Lord, help us.  Help ME!  I am the guiltiest of them all.  Like a prairie dog, I live in the dark, poking my head up and seeing the world as it truly is , recognizing there is more to life than these dimly lit tunnels, but returning to them all the same.  Overweight, out of shape, alone.  Is this the life you meant for me?  No!  There are shades of color...learning to disciple with the fullness of my life and heart - but it's so painful.  The disappointment cuts so deep in my soul.  And yet there is hope, glorious hope.  The fullness of emotion, of coming alive.  For Your glory.  The joy, the pain.  Numbness fades away, yet there is a certain comfort in being numb.  It takes courage to embrace the fullness.  Do I have that courage?  I want that courage.  To be real.  To wrestle in spirit and truth with the real things of this world.  Love and loss.  Beauty and tragedy.

Lord, I want to live a life Fully Alive, I want to glorify You with my full-color life.  So, my question is this...what does that look like?  

LIVING LIFE FULLY, TO GOD'S GLORY

Many things come to mind as I meditate on this.  Loving without boundary or expectation.  Grieving deeply.  Listening fully.  Encouraging freely.  Allowing the fullness of emotions to be felt and expressed. Singing loudly, dancing without inhibition.  Experiencing LIFE outside of these 4 walls.  Engaging 100% in the moment.  Watching the sunrise and letting your breath be taken away.  Staying up late to look at the stars.  The sound of leaves crunching under your feet, a child's laughter, the whisper of your lover.  The intricacies of a beautiful flower, sunlight playing on the water, a bird soaring on the wind.  The smell of Autumn, of wet pavement, of Christmas.  All of my senses, fully engaged, fully appreciating.  The feel of the sun on my face, a cool breeze, the touch of a loved one.  To be intentional, alert, engaged, aware.  Not halfway, all the way.  To take joy in a smile, the twinkle of an eye, a moment passing between two people.  Intimacy and not familiarity.  Kindness and not sarcasm.  Joy, not happiness.  These are the the things that life is made up of.  We know it instinctively - we were created for life, for abundant life.  We revel in the idea of it.  But I don't want to live in the idea of it, I want to live in the reality of it.  Every day, every week, every month, every year.  I don't have to wait...to wait for a partner, to lose weight, to have money.  These are things that try to keep me from living a full life, but they are the enemy's tools, lies to keep me bound to a half lived life.  I live life in the midst of these things, in the midst of trials and triumphs, of learning and succeeding and failing.  Life is made up of a million moments, a tapestry of color and texture, each thread - each brushstroke - adding to the beauty of the finished product.  It's not about the experiences I've had, but how I've been engaged through them.  Lord, my desire is you.  To glorify You with my life, with my life lived to the fullest.  Teach me, show me, help me.  I love you.